Lost
by Lampyridae92
Summary: Donatello has to face the fact that April doesn't share his feelings. Rated K for some swearing.
1. Chapter 1

_My hands longing to touch you  
But I can barely breathe.  
Starry eyes that make me melt  
Right in front of me._

* * *

"I… I can't believe it. We won!" April stared down at the scene that had just taken place below them. "Hah! Donnie! I think we actually won!" She exclaimed placing a hand over her mouth to muffle her whines of joy. "We did it, Donnie," she repeated as she felt his hand on her shoulders, probably pulling her towards him for a victory hug. "We actually…" but her words were stopped by the sensation of his other hand on the back of her head, followed by the pressure of his lips against her own.

Donatello was… kissing her?

Her mind froze, her eyes stayed open in confusion and she was sure her heart skipped at least one beat.  
Okay, so she knew he had a thing for her. He always acted kinda dorky around her, giggling and blushing like a schoolgirl, but she always thought it was a mere puppy crush, and honestly, she would never have guessed that he actually would have the guts to _kiss_ her!  
Donnie, her best friend, was actually _kissing_ her! It felt so… weird… Like kissing a brother.

When he broke up the sudden kiss, he gave her an utterly sad look.

"I'm sorry, April."

_What are you sorry about?_ She thought, but the lingering shock wouldn't let the words escape her mouth.

"I know you don't like me in that way," he whispered as his brown eyes began to shine. "But I… I had to… just once." His hands slowly fell from her arm and neck. "April please… just be happy?" When he stepped backwards and away from her a part of her wanted to reach out for him. To ask him what was going on, to settle this.  
"You can yell at me later, okay," he said, still walking backwards. "But right now I… I think I… I have to go."  
With that, he turned and ran. She followed him with her eyes, watching his silhouette jump from building to building until he disappeared into the night.  
What had just happened? In the bottom of her stomach, she felt something, like a heavy rock of mixed feelings and sadness. She touched her lips with her fingers, remembering his lips against her.  
"Hey, Red, a little help here?!"

The familiar voice woke her from her thoughts, and she turned to see a pair of hockey sticks appearing over the wall.

"Casey? Casey, are you okay?" She ran towards the sticks and peeked over the side. A rather beaten up Casey was trying to get up the escape stairs. His lip was bleeding and he had a black eye, not to mention he was clearly struggling to walk the stairs, clinging to the railings.

"Oh, you know, been better!" April gave him a hand and once he was up, she helped him sit down with his back against the low wall of the roof. "Just… sprained my ankle or something. No biggie."

She crossed her arms. "You sprained your ankle, and then you thought it was a good idea to climb a building? Are you out of your mind?"

But he didn't care, only gave her that crooked smile of his. "Someone had to check to see if _you_ were okay."  
Her anger fell. "You… came to check on _me_?"  
"Sure, Red," he said, his smile not as cocky as before. "You could have been hurt."  
Suddenly she noticed how close their bodies were, April on her knees and Casey almost lying on the roof. It didn't seem to have gone unnoticed by him either. There was this tension there, a string inside of her that pulled her closer by the sight of his dark eyes. All thoughts about the recent kiss had vanished, all memories from their battle, everything. She didn't even notice that he had placed his hand on her neck, or that she had placed hers on his face. The only thing she felt was that string in her heart and the warmth of his breath against her lips, getting closer by the second.

Only a rooftop away, hidden in the shadow of a tool shed, Donatello watched as the gap between the two humans closed. As it did, his eyes closed as well.

The lair was still dark and empty when Donatello got home. For a moment he wondered where the guys were, until he remembered seeing them on the street, high three'ing and cheering. He realized that he had actually forgotten their battle, his head for once empty of thoughts. The only thing in there was a picture of a silhouette made by two lovers.  
He was glad no-one else was home. The silence and darkness in the empty lair was just what he wanted, comforting loneliness. He didn't feel like being happy or celebrating their victory with his brothers, and especially not with April and Casey. A sob escaped his throat and he had to focus to breath normally. F this. Just… Fuck everything! He slammed his fist into the wall, and even though the sudden pain made him cry out, it felt good. It felt as if the frustration inside of him fled out of his body though the centre of the pain. But on the other hand, the pain also trigged the tears that started running down his cheeks.

"_Fuck,"_ he whimpered and rested his forehead against the cool brick wall.  
"What is it, my son? What has happened?" The worried voice of his father made him turn around. For a moment their eyes met, before Donnie's eyes fell to the floor, ashamed of crying and of the words he'd said.  
"We won," he said, and it took a whole lot of concentration to keep his voice steady.

"I heard. Leonardo called me. So why are you crying, my son?"  
The thoughts inside his head started pressing against his skull. Why was he crying? Because he'd probably ruined his whole friendship with April? Because he knew he'd never be able to look at Casey again without wanting to cry or hit him? Because he'd lost? Won the battle against their enemy, but lost the one war he really cared about?  
Or because he just wasn't good enough?  
"April," he whispered. That single word was just enough for Splinter to put the puzzle together and understand exactly what had happened. He stepped towards his son, opening up his arms, and Donatello accepted it, walking into his father's embrace to hide his face into his clothes and fur. They stood like that for a long time, until Donatello stopped shaking and his tears stopped running. The pain was still there, but not as intense as it had been. It hurt, but at least he was able to straighten his back and dry his eyes with the back of his hand.

"Sensei, is it okay if I… go away for a little while?" He tilted his head backwards to look up at his father. "I feel like being alone for a few days."  
Splinter nodded. "That is fine, my son. Take your time. But be careful, and bring your phone."  
"Thank you, sensei. Father."  
They hugged each other once more, before Donnie left.

* * *

I've written most of this story, but my Beta came with some suggestions for a few extra chapters, so you'll have to wait a while for the whole story to be uploaded.  
With some inspiration from my beta, I ended up calling this story Lost. The original song is by Anouk, but I listen to Erlend Bratland's cover. You can find it on youtube: /watch?v=_9zqBodbrVM  
I also listened a lot to All of Me by John Legend.


	2. Chapter 2

_Will this ever change_  
_ One thing that remains the same_  
_ You're still a picture in a frame_

* * *

"Hey D! Bro! We've got pizza!"

Raph and Mikey carried several boxed each, which they dumped on the couch. The scent was intoxicating, and Mikey lifted the lid of one of the boxes just to peek.  
"Ah, man, it smells so good!" He was just about to pull out a slice, when Raph slapped him in the back of his head. "Hold on! We're waiting for the others!"

"Aaaw! But it smells so delicious!"

Raph growled and looked over at his older brother who carried his own stack of pizza.

"Where is everyone?"  
Leo dumped his pizzas on the floor next to the couch and looked around.

"Master Splinter is home, I called him only an hour ago, and Casey said that he and April were on their way. I don't know where Donnie is, maybe he's in his lab."

"Yo, Don," Raph shouted, "Come on out before Mikey eats it all!"

But the call simply echoed through the lair without a response.

"I'll see if he's in his lab," said Leo.

"And I'll check his room," said Mikey and ran off. "Bro, you in there?" Mikey knocked on the door, but there was no answer. He opened the door and looked inside. "Bro?"  
He stepped inside and turned on the lights. He had a feeling that something was up, and that something was wrong. Then he noticed the items on the bed.  
"Did you find him?" Leo asked when Michelangelo came running.  
"No, but guys, look!" Mikey showed his older brothers a piece of clothing, and they recognised the purple bandana. "All his other stuff is on his bed! Even his bo!"  
"What does it mean?" Raph asked.  
"It means," said a deep voice, making the boys look up, "that your brother needs some time alone to meditate and think." Splinter was standing by the entrance to the dojo, watching his sons.  
Leo frowned. "Master Splinter?"

"Donatello has faced a burden, and he wished to go away for a little while, so I let him."

"But… Master Splinter, he didn't even bring his staff!" Mikey whined, suddenly scared for his brother's health.

"I am sure that he will be fine without it, Michelangelo. He will return soon, once he has found peace." He turned and walked back to the dojo. "I will meditate on tonight's events. Celebrate your victory, my sons, and do not worry for your brother."  
As the door closed behind his tail, the brothers were left with their thoughts. It was Raphael who first broke the silence.

"Do you guys think…?"  
Leo nodded. "It might be."  
"What?" Mikey looked worried. "Is it because I beat his record? It's because I beat his record, right?"  
"No, Mikey", said Leo and put an arm around his brother. "It's not because of you."  
The sound of footsteps and chattering approached them and they looked at the entrance of their living room.

"Speaking of the devil," muttered Raph, and sat down on the couch with his arms crossed. In entered April and Casey, hand in hand, Casey supporting himself on a hockey stick. The moment they felt the brothers eyes on them, they let go of each other.  
"Hey guys!" said April and Casey cheered, his hands in the air.

"We won, dudes! Parteeey!"

But the others didn't cheer with him, and he put his fists down. "Hey, who died?"

"You tell us," growled Raph.

None of the turtles met their eyes, and April could feel their sadness in the air. She looked around, and noticed that Donatello wasn't there. It seemed Casey had realized it too, for he asked "Hey, where's Donnie?"

Finally Leo looked up to meet April's eyes. "Master Splinter says Donnie needs some time alone. He's gone away for a while."

It was her fault. She knew it. She hadn't said anything after he kissed her, she hadn't even got the chance to explain the way she felt about him, as a brother, before he'd run off. She should have stopped him, called for him, talked to him. And now he was probably embarrassed and worried and… oh god… what if… what if he'd seen her and Casey? He would have been hurt, sad. Really sad.  
April took a few steps back, feeling everyone's eyes on her.

"April?" Leo said, "Do you know what has happened to Donnie?" He said it with a calm voice, not blaming her for anything, but April still felt the guilt build up inside her.

"I… I think I should go home," she said, before turning and running of.

"Hey! April! Wait up!" Casey called and humped after her. Raph rose from the couch, planning on going after them both, but Leo lay a hand on him.

"Let them be, Raph. They probably need to talk. _April_ might need to talk."  
"Yeah, but apparently _Donnie_ didn't!" Raph growled and pushed Leo's hand off him. "He just took off! Without even saying anything to us!"  
"That's nonsense, and you know it," said Leo and crossed his arms. "He talked to Splinter."  
"Yeah, but why didn't he talk to _us _as well, huh? Aren't we his brothers? We're here to help, goddammit! Weren't we good enough?" cried Raph before he stormed off to his room.

"Raph!" Leo called, but he didn't go after him. Instead he just sighed. "I think I'll go to bed."

"But what about the pizza?" said Mikey.  
"You take it. Or leave it. I'm tired. I'll see you in the morning, Mikey."  
With that, Mikey was left alone. With a sob, he lay down on the couch, curled up as a ball. In his hand, he clenched the purple bandana. "Get home soon, D," he whispered to it, before closing his eyes.

* * *

I'm currently working on the following chapters. Hopefully I'll have the whole story finished sometime during the next month, and I'll probably upload all the chapters at once.


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